Mixed bag of emotions

Since Labor Day I have vocally been counting down the time until the end of the farmers market with great excitement, but now that I am entering the final 10 days I am having mixed emotions. Now I am going to preface this by saying I am not complaining. Cognitively I know that things could be much worse. I am grateful and thankful for what I do have and know it is a lot more then many. BUT I am tired and weary. I have never had to work so hard to barely survive. I am not drowning, but I am certainly not floating or even have my head above water, just my nose and I know that it will only take the slightest splash or momentary lack of focus for me to go under. Living that close to the edge scares me. Which is why I am concerned about the ending of the farmers market. While I am busy and exhausted most of the time, it is bringing in income and I need to find some way to replace it and I don’t know how right now. I don’t have a plan or a focus or a direction. I’m tired and I just want my life back.

Up until this point I have seen my current situation as a temporary one, but now, as I am nearing on it being like this for a year, I am wondering if things will get better or if this is my life from now on. If it is, it makes me sad, I do not like the person I have had to be this past year. I want to be able relax without feeling guilty, laugh and smile without a worry, and do the things that bring me enjoyment. As a kid, at the neighborhood pool there was a time when the boys thought it was fun to hold you under the water as long as possible, I still have vivid memories of those feelings. Initially you would kick and fight and do what ever you could to get up, but there would be a point, that you just could not fight any more, the air had all been expelled from your lungs, your body goes limp and the urge to breath is gone. Then in that split second before the blackness takes over there is a calm, a peace that washes over you. You see it is at that point that you know you have fought with everything you have, literally every bit of your last breath, and you have resigned to the fact that you can’t win. The force is too big, too strong and too powerful for you to overcome, so it is time to let go. Time to stop fighting, end the struggle and just fade away. (we were kids and did kid things -never had the panic of a real drowning since you knew the boys would let you up and there were lifeguards on duty) Recently I have felt like I am nearing that point, that I just don’t have the fight left in me. That the calm and peace would be welcomed even knowing right beyond that is the darkness. It is not that I don’t believe there a reason for this all, that there are lessons I need to learn and all part of a plan that has been specified for my life. But right now it is not making it any easier to live through and I don’t even know what to hope for anymore.
So for now I will get through the next two weekends and pray that they are successful and then, I don’t know what happens.